Saturday, May 31, 2008
My Escape Plan
I'm going to transfer to a school that is further away (University of Michigan) after my sophomore year. When I graduate from there, I'm going to go to graduate school in California. Either Stanford, Berkeley, or Caltech. Sometime there I'm going to cut off contact with my family.
Friday, May 30, 2008
WTF Dad?
My dad screamed at me today. My little sister was showing my parents her geography test, which she aced. After they were done fawning on her, I proudly announced that I got a C on my Calculus III final. Now I am happy with a C in Calculus III. I ended up getting a B in the entire course, and my final GPA was high enough to keep me in my school's Honors program. So I was proud of myself. My dad's reaction? Quite different. "That's too bad." Now I've been going out of my way to think positively in order to help my mood problems. So I am not very welcoming to people who belittle my accomplishments. I tried to explain to him that Calculus III is a hard course, and a C is a perfectly good grade. But he still maintained that it wasn't good by his standards.
What a fucking hypocrite. He nearly flunked his second semester of college. I couldn't keep my sweet, darling facade up much longer. I asked him annoyedly, "Well have you ever BEEN to college? It's not high school and a C is perfectly acceptable." Yeah big mistake he started yelling at me. "Don't give me that" I said, in the tone of an exasperated mother annoyed with a cheeky 6-year-old. "No YOU don't give ME that. I'm in MY OWN HOUSE." (Now what the last part of his response had to do with anything is beyond me.)
But onto the point of this story. I'm really happy that my mom and sisters were in the room. They probably prevented a repeat episode of what originally made me therapy-bound in the first place.
Over Christmas break my dad shoved me into a wall and restrained my face and head. He's pushed me around before, but this time, it really bothered me for some reason. Much to my demise, I showed my weakness by crying. I couldn't help it. I really wish I had better control over my crying.
What a fucking hypocrite. He nearly flunked his second semester of college. I couldn't keep my sweet, darling facade up much longer. I asked him annoyedly, "Well have you ever BEEN to college? It's not high school and a C is perfectly acceptable." Yeah big mistake he started yelling at me. "Don't give me that" I said, in the tone of an exasperated mother annoyed with a cheeky 6-year-old. "No YOU don't give ME that. I'm in MY OWN HOUSE." (Now what the last part of his response had to do with anything is beyond me.)
But onto the point of this story. I'm really happy that my mom and sisters were in the room. They probably prevented a repeat episode of what originally made me therapy-bound in the first place.
Over Christmas break my dad shoved me into a wall and restrained my face and head. He's pushed me around before, but this time, it really bothered me for some reason. Much to my demise, I showed my weakness by crying. I couldn't help it. I really wish I had better control over my crying.
Weight Insecurities
For as long as I can remember, I've pretty much been underweight, or borderline underweight. This has changed only recently. (Thank god for freshman 15! Or in my case freshman 10) For example, in my freshman year of high school I was 5'5" and weighed 95 lbs. Sophomore year, I was 5'6" and weighed 105. Junior year, I was 5'7" and weighed 110. Same for senior year. Finally the summer before college I reached my goal of weighing a stable 115. My weight fluctuated like no other, like 10 lbs at a time, and it was hard to get a stable weight. Now after college I am a healthy 125 lbs (and still 5'7").
What really annoys me is when people comment on my weight. I'm a female. Haven't people been told not to comment on a girl's body size or weight? I mean, in high school it was bad enough, but COLLEGE?! Sometimes, people will just come up to me and comment on how skinny I am. Is this an insult or a conversation starter? Once someone called me "skinny as hell" right in front of me. What the hell, I can HEAR you.
Do people assume that I'm flattered by these comments? I'm not anorexic, I'm not using these comments to fuel my skinniness. I'm just...little. And I'm trying to be healthy. So what business is it to anyone? Do people think they're making a difference to me by telling me this? No, actually I'm just lumping them in with the other crude assholes that comment on my weight. Just because someone calls my arms scrawny doesn't mean I'm going to change my picky tastes in food. They're really not making a difference. I've heard it before.
The advantages of being skinny: infertility (I hate kids)
The disadvantages of being skinny: America is an obesity-centered culture. Everything is revolved around people being too fat, and not acknowledging that health needs differ among different people.
Even Spanish models are being fattened up. When they passed the regulation that models have to have a BMI over 18, I was too skinny to model in Spain.
Why is it that when clothes advertisements claim to cater to "every body type" they only make clothes for overweight people?
Do people treat overweight people the same way they treat underweight people? I have never once heard a conversation start with "Oh my god you're so FAT!" but many people have tried to start a conversation with me by saying "Oh my god you're so SKINNY!" What's the difference? You're pointing out a flaw in someone else's body. Does it really make a difference which flaw you're pointing out?
And for the record I am not, will not, and have never been (willingly) anorexic.
I have, however, stopped eating due to depression, not because I see myself as fat.
What really annoys me is when people comment on my weight. I'm a female. Haven't people been told not to comment on a girl's body size or weight? I mean, in high school it was bad enough, but COLLEGE?! Sometimes, people will just come up to me and comment on how skinny I am. Is this an insult or a conversation starter? Once someone called me "skinny as hell" right in front of me. What the hell, I can HEAR you.
Do people assume that I'm flattered by these comments? I'm not anorexic, I'm not using these comments to fuel my skinniness. I'm just...little. And I'm trying to be healthy. So what business is it to anyone? Do people think they're making a difference to me by telling me this? No, actually I'm just lumping them in with the other crude assholes that comment on my weight. Just because someone calls my arms scrawny doesn't mean I'm going to change my picky tastes in food. They're really not making a difference. I've heard it before.
The advantages of being skinny: infertility (I hate kids)
The disadvantages of being skinny: America is an obesity-centered culture. Everything is revolved around people being too fat, and not acknowledging that health needs differ among different people.
Even Spanish models are being fattened up. When they passed the regulation that models have to have a BMI over 18, I was too skinny to model in Spain.
Why is it that when clothes advertisements claim to cater to "every body type" they only make clothes for overweight people?
Do people treat overweight people the same way they treat underweight people? I have never once heard a conversation start with "Oh my god you're so FAT!" but many people have tried to start a conversation with me by saying "Oh my god you're so SKINNY!" What's the difference? You're pointing out a flaw in someone else's body. Does it really make a difference which flaw you're pointing out?
And for the record I am not, will not, and have never been (willingly) anorexic.
I have, however, stopped eating due to depression, not because I see myself as fat.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Intro
So my counselor back at school wanted me to keep a journal about my depression. There is no way that I am actually going to keep a physical journal of incriminating evidence in my house, so I figure this is the next best thing.
I'm a 19 year old college student. I'm majoring in chemical engineering and Spanish, but am having some issues regarding changing my major (to biomedical engineering) and transferring to a different college. It's the summer after my first year and would like to transfer after my second year.
I've had some type of cyclic depression since I was about 12. I've never gotten any treatment until now, at 19. Why am I so stupid you ask? It's because my parents didn't want to put me into counseling for whatever reason, despite my blatantly telling them that I cut (no blood) my arms and that I want to die. Apparently that's "just a phase". You would think that them not being able to handle my intense bouts of crying would clue them in that something's wrong, but I guess not. Maybe there's such a strong stigma that comes with having a child in therapy. Maybe they didn't want to be considered bad parents. But now that I'm in therapy and have realized how I should've gotten help sooner, I realize that, in my eyes, they are bad parents. And they have been the trigger of my most current episode of depression.
I'm a 19 year old college student. I'm majoring in chemical engineering and Spanish, but am having some issues regarding changing my major (to biomedical engineering) and transferring to a different college. It's the summer after my first year and would like to transfer after my second year.
I've had some type of cyclic depression since I was about 12. I've never gotten any treatment until now, at 19. Why am I so stupid you ask? It's because my parents didn't want to put me into counseling for whatever reason, despite my blatantly telling them that I cut (no blood) my arms and that I want to die. Apparently that's "just a phase". You would think that them not being able to handle my intense bouts of crying would clue them in that something's wrong, but I guess not. Maybe there's such a strong stigma that comes with having a child in therapy. Maybe they didn't want to be considered bad parents. But now that I'm in therapy and have realized how I should've gotten help sooner, I realize that, in my eyes, they are bad parents. And they have been the trigger of my most current episode of depression.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)