Happy

My boyfriend and I broke up!
Also my friend/ex-boyfriend/friend with benefits has been super depressed/suicidal. I've been trying to talk to him and keep him going. He refused to go to counseling. Honestly, trying to talk to him was just so infuriating, but I tried to take it with a grain of salt. Anyway, I got him to go to therapy by having sex with him for the rest of the year. I suppose that's a good deal because we're friends with benefits anyway.

What a Terrible Day

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE SINGLE?!

Some days I wonder why I'm with my boyfriend.  I can't break up with him now because he just tried kinda hard to get a ride down here to visit me (the plans fell through though).  I think he would be happier if I just let him be.  I would be happier if I didn't have to babysit him.

Speaking of babysit, my exboyfriend tried to kill himself, I think.  Either way he's feeling suicidal.  I'm sending him Facebook messages trying to get him to talk, texts, and I even tried to walk over to his dorm to see what was the matter.  And that's a BIG deal because I have mono, and am completely fatigued.  I still feel tired and sore from walking, and that was two hours ago.  When I was texting him he was doing something with his roommates, which is great.  And that was the reason he declined my visit saying "maybe later."  I don't know if I should get my hopes up, but I really want to help him.

Not Depressed Anymore...What?

So I haven't been feeling depressed at all recently. In fact, I've been getting along really nicely with my family. I don't really know if it's worth it to be mad at them anymore. They've been nothing but nice to me lately, and the only episode of "abuse" was quite a while ago. Holding grudges is completely out of character for me. I don't hold grudges or drag things out like this. And my hatred for them is only hurting me, not them. It's not changing their behavior but it's making my college experience a whole hell of a lot more miserable. So I guess I'm done. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Just Wondering

For any Christian that happens to stumble upon my blog:
How does Jesus dying save us from sin? Did people, before Jesus lived, go to heaven? Because Christianity didn't exist then. What if you don't want to be saved like that? Isn't it a little presumptuous to assume that everyone wants that kind of gift?

Grrrr Google!!!!

Go to Google.com. Search tubal ligation. Look through the first few pages. What do you see? About as many sites for tubal REVERSAL as there is for the actual tubal procedure!! Do people really have this little faith in a woman's judgment? I wish people actually thought through the tubal procedure instead of just getting cut after having too many babies before 25. Stupid people like that, while they are first in line as candidates for ligations, are stupid and will want more babies. They think that babies seal the deal on relationships, despite how many failed relationships they've had, and the babies that come with them. How about letting women who have decided on the childfree lifestyle for YEARS be first in line to get tubals?!?!

Test Results

OH! and my HIV test turned out to be negative. HAPPY!!!!

Sad

I feel so broken-hearted right now. I feel like my boyfriend just doesn't care. He just never seems to want to talk to me. I know that he is new to relationships and that I'm likely his first girlfriend. And this is a long distance relationship. Maybe his problem is that he just doesn't think to talk to people that aren't physically THERE. I'm trying to be understanding, but this is about all I can take. And I hate to go all psycho-girlfriend on him, with all my emotions and things, but I'm just really sad. I know he's busy, but I'm busy too, and I still have time to check my Facebook and call him. I just feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and stomped on the ground by one of the nicest guys I've known. I'm so screwed.

Straight Edge and Atheism

I think that my straight edge has a lot to do with my atheism. I only have one life, one body, and I can't screw it up. I don't have an afterlife safety net. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, eat meat, or drink coffee. After contracting bacterial vaginosis, which isn't an STD but is contracted through unsafe sex, I always practice safe sex. My health is of extreme importance to me. I know this is a religious saying, but my body is actually my temple. Because it's the only thing that I actually have. I went to a Catholic high school that was known for drinking, etc. I look on high school classmates' Facebook pages and see that they are still Catholic, but their pictures show them smoking and drinking. I know at least four other people that actively avoid drinking, many of whom are atheists as well. It's such a paradox: It's commonly believed that atheists are immoral and reject God in order to overindulge themselves. But in my experience, the people that overindulge in drinking and drugs are the ones that identify themselves as religious. Also, statistics show that atheists get divorced at a lower rate than the religious, and atheists make up less than their share in prisons. (~10% nonreligious population generally, less than 1% of inmates are nonreligious) Sweden is a very nonreligious country, and they are the most advanced in environmental and social matters, have the second longest life expectancy, and generally lead a good quality of life.

Boy Problems

Well I think I’m reaching the end of my rope with my boyfriend. We talked tonight but all he talked about was his drunken, drugged-up friends. This is really not a hot topic with me. I really wish I wasn’t so sensitive to people talking about drunkenness, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Also I think I made a mistake that spelled doom for our relationship. I mentioned that I don’t get along with my family at all, which wasn’t horrible. But then I was an idiot and went on to add that I hate my parents because I believe that they live vicariously through me and that they hate all the decisions that I make. I didn’t tell him about the abuse or the denial, which would have been way too much. Tonight I also mentioned that I’m starting group therapy on Wednesday. I guess that’s a conversation killer for him, just like drinking is for me. Taste of his own medicine, much? But the worst part is that I’ve been comparing him to my former boyfriend/friend with benefit. See, the nice thing about my former boyfriend was that, even though I didn’t bring up emotional issues with him too much, he actually understood more or less what I was going through. He also has a mood disorder (bipolar) and has problems with his biological father. Although I highly doubt we would ever get back together as a couple, as we have most recently been friends with benefits. I don’t care. I don’t even want a boyfriend right now. I haven’t wanted one for the past year either. Why is it that boyfriends always come into your life when you DON’T want them? It’s so annoying.

I'm Screwing Up...Again

I think my boyfriend is avoiding me. I sent him a short, kinda pissy message yesterday. It was followed later by a more apologetic message. I sent the short message when I was in the middle of my relapse, and not under my better judgment. When I realized how rude it actually sounded, I sent a longer message. Maybe I wasn't apologetic enough. Actually I tried not to be over-apologetic, because we were just talking about how we keep apologizing to each other over the dumbest things. But I guess this is fairly major, isn't it.
I'm pretty sure I'm his first girlfriend, and he's had a crush on me since high school. I've read that the faults of this type of guy is that they lose interest quickly, having different expectations for girlfriends. But they're also scared to break up because they're not confident about getting another girlfriend. I feel like if I asked how he felt he would lie. Or he would think I'm breaking up with him. But really, he deserves better. I'm too psycho for him to handle. I'm a terrible first girlfriend. My moods are so high maintenance. I feel so needy. I wish he would just respond to me. I would just look needier sending him more messages or calling him. Why do my moods have to ruin everything?!

Another Relapse

Yesterday I had a terrible relapse. See, on Wednesday I went in for an HIV test because I had sex without a condom (not a regular occurrence, definitely a mistake. BTW I'm on birth control, I'm not entirely stupid.) and I'm actually...you know...somewhat responsible. But even though I'm about 99% sure I'm negative, it's still a stressful experience. The same held true when I got tested for STIs last year (responsibility again). Suspense is an awful thing. But Friday in Biology, we were learning about prokaryotes (i.e. tiny one celled things) and the professor showed a picture of an HIV virus (looks like a nubby ball!). That was a bit unnerving, but I held up. Then in Differential Equations, we were learning about some differential equation that pertained to HIV research. We did that for about 15 minutes, but that was long enough to get the reality of HIV embedded in my brain. Now when this happens, my mind switches automatically to worst-case scenario. My dreams of being a engineer/doctor would go out the window. I couldn't stand to be around other people, as an infected pariah. I would die a slow, horrible death if I didn't kill myself soon. Jumping off the bridge into a rocky creek (break my neck rather than drown). My eyes were wet and my nose started to run, while sitting in class. How embarrassing...and I couldn't leave the room cause it was a small 35-person class and I was near the front. I didn't learn a thing in Differential Equations that day, I was just too depressed. I went back to my dorm and tried to take a nap but I couldn't stop crying. I remembered that my parents were going to take me to dinner that day. But when I think of my parents, I automatically think of that one day over winter break where my dad threw me against a wall and held my face up to look at him...then my mom standing there doing nothing. I feel like that's how I'm going to think of them forever. An abuser and an enabler. Hypocrites, both. I don't think they care much if their most hated daughter just loses it...that's what's happening now anyways. I made the mistake of bringing it up with my mom last year. She told me that SHE WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT. I have never felt so betrayed in all my life. My mom has always lied to me a lot. About meat in my food, and she takes the blame for my sisters screwing with my stuff (which is unhealthy for all parties involved). But this is just unacceptable. How could she not remember the image of my terrified face as my enraged dad renders me helpless? It was permanently burned into my mind, I guess not hers. Well good for her I guess. One less thing to stress about. Anyhow, my mom just tried to nullify all of my progress in therapy by telling me offhandedly that whatever my dad did was wrong. Great. I know that, it's the reason I'm in therapy. When I wouldn't accept that remark, she tried to defend my dad by telling me what a great father he is and how I'm so lucky blah blah blah. Well now I know whose side she's on. My therapist suggested I talk to them about it again but no way will I ever do that. I'd rather just talk about it to a third party.

Frustration

I just wish I knew what was wrong with me!
These are my symptoms
1. Depressive thoughts every time brain is idle
2. Cutting to relieve anger and sadness
3. Putting the "needs" of others before my own emotional health
4. Interpreting everyone's words as an attack
5. Decrease in appetite
6. Tired all the time, regardless of amount of sleep
7. Holding in of emotions
8. Pushing away family
9. Indifference to change
Sigh...

Crying?

So I've been crying a lot for no reason lately. Maybe I've just gotten pollen in my eyes or something. Because usually my crying is accompanied by depressive thoughts, but not recently. Maybe I just miss my boyfriend.

Reasons to be Childfree

These are my reasons for my choice to be childfree.
1. I'm bad with kids under the age of 7 or 8, plain and simple
2. I want an awesome career
3. I have a lot of hobbies that I wish to pursue: painting, volunteering
4. Having children, in my opinion, makes your mind narrow. I never want that to happen to me, because I love being a global thinker.
5. I work for the benefit of humanity as a whole, not my own kids.
6. Overpopulation
7. More time to spend with partner, good conversation
8. Genetic problems. Depression, migraine, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, heart problems. And that's only MY side of the family, my partner's would just add more.
9. I could never live with myself if I gave birth to a child that would eventually have depression. It's a living hell.
10. More time to work out and just generally look great.
11. More time and money to travel! I love seeing the world.
12. I won't be dumbed down, as most mothers are, into thinking that the world revolves around me.
13. I won't have to drive a minivan or SUV, I can drive a car with a great gas mileage.
14. I can listen to whatever music I want, and watch whatever TV show I want.
15. I will always "still have it."
16. Stretch marks suck.
17. I will always have full responsibility for my body, I will never have "baby weight."
18. Childfree couples are happier, read the statistics!
19. Awesome sex life ;)
20. Never have to be embarrassed in grocery stores or restaurants.

Names I Like

Fun names regarding my religious beliefs:
Atheist
Bright
Nonbeliever
Nonreligious
Infidel
Heathen
Freethinker
Humanist
Darwinist
Nontheist
Rationalist
Skeptic
Heretic

Ugh...

Don't like the Blogger Babies feature at all. Is it just me or are newborns butt ugly? They look like they have smooshy faces. And of course they poop and scream and are just annoying. They don't get cute until they crawl. What I hate the most about the kid-culture is parents. One of my cousins, a couple of years ago, was potty training her daughter. At a family reunion, while we were EATING, she proudly gushed how her daughter pooped in her potty. Whoop de do. There goes my appetite. Seriously, if anyone else talked about crap at the table that would just be unacceptable.

A Little Survey

Taking this is like cotton candy, in the heavy syrup that is my blog. Just some lightheartedness for me and anyone that happens to read this. From quizopolis.com

1. Who will you be sleeping with tonight?
Myself
2. What are you going to do tomorrow?
Drive my sister to practice, work, read a lot
3. When do you plan on having kids, or your next kid?
Never, nunca, not at all!
4. Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
Not that I know of
5. Can you use chopsticks?
Of course!
6. How old were you when you lost your first tooth?
I don't remember that.
7. Were you a hyper or mellow kid?
Mellow. In a bad way, as in I had something wrong with me! lol
8. Why did you throw up last?
Migraine. Damn migraines.
9. What are you excited for?
I have a date on Wednesday!
10. What's for dinner?
I don't know, whatever I feel like picking up after work. Salad maybe?
11. Ever been to the Statue of Liberty?
I've been to New York City, but not the Statue of Liberty. I saw it on the plane though.
12. How many e-mail addresses do you have?
Three. The most I ever had at one time was six.
13. Do you HAVE to have brand name stuff?
I don't HAVE to have anything. The materialism bug hasn't bitten me!
14. Do you like Oreos?
Sure. It doesn't beat homemade chocolate chip cookies though.
15. What was the last ice cream flavor you ate?
Cookies and cream
16. Do you send out thank-you cards?
I try to, I guess
17. What color is your car?
Tan
18. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Yes. I value the life and happiness of nearly everyone on this planet more than mine.

Is this good or bad?

My counselor at my college recommended that I read "Toxic Parents." She and I both agreed that it would not be a good idea to keep it in the house. So for a while I kept it under my bed. Then one week, when I had to take my little sister to swim practice, I kept it in my car, so I could read it while my sister was at swimming. My dad went to go fill my car with gas, and he found the book. The book was in a pocket behind the passengers seat, spine down, pages up. This was at like 8 am, and I was asleep. He threw the book at me! It didn't hit me, it landed before my bed. I woke up, but before I realized who threw the book, what the book was, and why he threw the book, my dad was gone. Neither of us has brought it up since.
But what I don't get is that this didn't really affect me much. My dad pushed me into a wall 6 or 7 months ago, and that's what threw me into a relapse spiral in the first place. But he could've hurt me this time as well, but it just didn't bother me much. Maybe I'm really settling into this mentality that I'm going to leave my family. Maybe I'm just becoming desensitized.

Decisions

So earlier this summer I had to make a choice. I could spend the summer (and following school year, etc etc) with a shy guy that really likes me, or I could hold off until the school year, when I would have a guaranteed friend-with-benefits. Really, I'm just choosing between love and sex. I gave a lot of thought to my decision. I mean, I'm in some really hard classes, do I really want a deep relationship to distract me? I'm also really ambitious, do I really want to make room for a guy in my future? Honestly, with all the things I want to do in the future I think it would be hard for me to have a boyfriend around, until I've finished school at least. On the other hand, there are complications with the FWB. My roommate next year is religious and would probably not be comfortable with me doing it in the room, especially outside of a relationship. (Def. not do it while she was in the room!! but still) There would kinda be a lot of sneaking around and secret keeping involved. So anyway I chose the more respectable choice, and went with my shy high school buddy who is now my awesome boyfriend. But I wonder what my FWB thinks about that. I mean, it seemed to me (maybe I was just being led on) that he cared for me a little bit beyond FWB status. I know that's the common female trap, but I'm immune to its hurt. But is it just me, or do kisses on the nose and forehead have a "protective" meaning to them? Either way, we weren't in a relationship, so I'm not cheating and he can't have a complaint. After all, in his own words we could be FWB unless one of us has something going on. And I definitely have something going on.

Religion Poisons Everything

As you know, I'm an atheist. I think that religion is poisonous to minds and society, but I see no good in forcing people to become atheist (that would be stooping to their level) so I don't believe the world will ever be religion-free.
But I've been stressing over things lately. My boyfriend is Catholic. I used to be Catholic, too. We went to the same religious high school. I like him a lot, but I don't want his family to hate me, because they are at some point going to figure out what my religious beliefs are. On our date, Pat told me that he didn't even believe in the "Catholic image of God" (whatever that means) and doesn't really like many Catholic stances on issues. I really can't believe he told me this on our first date, but maybe he was trying to make sure I knew he isn't a fundie bible-thumper. (I didn't get into my beliefs, I don't think he can handle them quite yet.)
So this is why I'm sad. My dad came into my room earlier this evening and asked me what I was reading on my computer. I answered honestly (I should've lied) and said "How to date a guy with a different religion." He had to carry on a freakin' conversation about it. My dad needs to just leave me the fuck alone sometimes. Anyway, he asked what religion was in question, and I said Catholic. He asked what the different religion is, and I said between Catholicism and atheism. He deduced that I was not referring to myself as Catholic, but rather as the atheist. He said "Catholicism and atheism don't have much common ground. You're the atheist in the picture? That's sad." OUCH. meanie.

Happy!

Went on a date last night! I went out with a shy guy, so I got a bear hug from him and managed to kiss his cheek. Can't wait to go out with him again!

Odd Mood Swings

I've been having some drama among my friends, yes. For some reason, this seems to have triggered some mood swings. I just felt really suicidal for some reason. I don't know why I even showed up at work. I shouldn't have been working like that. Not like my coworkers would understand if I couldn't work because of mental health issues. Also I had to cancel my therapy appointment that day. Maybe that had something to do with it, too. I don't know. But I guess I got out of it okay and I don't have to keep dwelling on it, right?

Misery

Right now is just one of the worst times in my life. I just feel so miserable. I don't want to be alive, I hate my life. My family hates me. My best friend is making things more complicated with the guy I'm dating. In fact, one wrong move and I will lose my best friend and (almost) boyfriend. (My best friend and almost-boyfriend are close, too) I'm just so mad at myself. I'm making such a mistake. Why would I go out with someone so close to my friends? If I lose him I may lose them too. Then I would have no friends, no significant other and no family. I want to kill myself so badly I don't know what to do.

What is Happiness?

I don't know. Is happiness innocence? I don't really remember being happy. Maybe I was happy as a child, before sixth grade, when my first depression hit. Ever since, I've just never fully recovered. I just never feel happy, I mean I just know that I'm going to relapse again. Mostly family drama is what gets me down. I mean, when I work 40-hour weeks, working closing, I feel a lot more stable. When I'm away at college and don't have to speak to my parents every week, I feel stable as well. Maybe happiness is removal of all stressors from one's life. In that case, maybe I need to purge my family from my life. They don't help me at all, emotionally. I feel like they keep me from being happy with my accomplishments and my decisions. I don't know.

Cutting

Occasionally, I cut. I cut when situations get so bad I start crying uncontrollably. I use a nail cleaner, those little hooks that swing out from nail clippers, to get my high. It works super well because it's sharp enough to break skin and inflict pain, but it's blunt enough to only break the top layer of skin, not drawing blood. I get the best feeling from cutting. I get instant calm. I stop crying and start breathing normally. Apparently cutting releases endorphins. I know, a lot of other things release endorphins too, but this is instant. Cut for a few seconds, feel relief as soon as the metal leaves your skin. Cutting has always been a fairly positive thing in my experience. I don't cut deep, so there's really no medical harm involved. Before cutting I'm an uncontrollable, weeping mess. After cutting, I'm calm and my mind is cleared. There's really nothing like it. I don't see why it has to be such taboo.

Stupid Girl Drama

So I just found out that one of my former best friends has been trash talking me behind my back. I'm really not that surprised. She's been acting distant from me since my senior year of high school. She got some new and improved friends from another school that quickly became my rivals. Now they're all into drinking and weed. She's just changed so much. She's gone emo and is cutting herself. I feel patronized when she shows me her cuts, because she has no reason to cut, she doesn't realize the emotional pain that cutting heals. She goes to college with one of my friends. My friend told me that this former friend of mine has said nothing but trash about me. The reason that she hates me is because of my "morals", as she puts it. I'm pro choice. Now I don't rub my views in other people's faces. Being an atheist, you learn tolerance REAL quickly. But she seems to take the slightest mention of pro choice personally. And she is trying to turn my friend against me. My friend was adopted, and for some reason should hate me because of my views on abortion. I understand a little, but if there's anything I support, it's ADOPTION!

My Damn Sister Again Again

I just saw my sister's video project today.  It was a waste of five minutes of my life.  Fucking lame and not funny at all.  I don't see why she thought for one second that I would find it funny.

How I'm Feeling Right Now

I just feel broken for some reason.  Unacceptable.  I just don't feel like I have a place in this world.  I don't know what to do.  My parents hate me, my sisters hate me.  Normally I don't care so much about my family's opinion of me, but it's just that I'm home all summer and that's all I'm really being exposed to.  
I feel like I'm slipping deeper into depression.  This is one of the unhappiest summers I've ever experienced.  

Child Free Me!!!

I will never have a child.  Ever.  If a guy tries to sway me otherwise, he is trying to doom me to unhappiness and confinement.  I'm 19, a legal adult.  I have not wanted children since I was 15.  (I did, however, have a small stint where I agreed to have a kid.  End story, guy wasn't worth it and I am BEYOND HAPPY to be free from such an agreement.)  My complaint is tubal ligation doctors.  I have done reading on the subject of tubal ligation, and the general concensus that I find is that these doctors have no faith in women.  They think that women will find their beloved biological clock, want to reverse their tubal, and sue if they can't get pregnant again.  While I'm sure that happens sometimes, I don't think it happens enough for doctors to prohibit women under the age of 30 from getting tubals.  While I think I need a little more time before I get my tubal, I don't want to be turned down because of the fact that I'm 22 (when I'm planning to get snipped).  I think that it should be easier for women under 30 to get tubals.  These ladies are mature.  I'm sure many have held on to the childfree lifestyle for years.  Many have supportive husbands/boyfriends.  It seems like doctors will be more likely to operate on women who have had children.  I don't think that how many children a woman has should play a part in the process of obtaining a tubal.

By the way, women who have gotten a tubal and decide they want a child should adopt.  It's so much better for the environment.  The world is already overpopulated.  Why would you bring in yet another sprog into the world for the sheer purpose of genetics?  Why does the damn kid have to look like you?  That's just so selfish to me.

My Damn Sister Again

My sister is a controlling, cold bitch.  I was playing video games in the den and she was on the computer in the office.  She was shrieking laughing, and of course I asked her what was so funny.  She hid what she was doing and wouldn't let me see.  So I go back to my video game.  She later yells at me to come see what she was working on.  I was, of course, deep in the middle of a fun game and wanted to finish this level.  She comes into the den and fumes, "You would rather play Wii than watch my video?!  I can't believe you!"  She continues to guilt trip me, a tactic inherited by my Catholic mother.  As an atheist, I am immune to this Catholic debauchery.  :).  But my sister had to go and be a bitch by removing the disc from the Wii console.  WTF.  I was in the MIDDLE of that, jerk.  Seriously.  She shooed me away from her project before, why should I take interest in it again?  And why should I drop everything I'm doing to watch her (most likely) worthless video?  She thinks she's just the center of the universe.  What a fucking bitch.

Exciting

COUNSELING TOMORROW!!!  :)

I always feel better after counseling!

My Middle Sister

My middle sister can be such a bitch sometimes.  Scratch that, ALL the time.  She's 15, just completed freshman year of high school.  She's just so smug and self-centered.  Also, she's been indoctrinated by my dad, so she's a flaming conservative.  I suppose it doesn't help much that she goes to a religious school.  My sister is also materialistic.  She loves shopping and blowing my parents' money.  She loves brand names and keeps up with all the latest styles.  I hate shallow people like that.
Smugness is such an ugly trait.  Everybody is wrong sometimes.  I hate the bitches that can't admit it.
I swear, that kid is not going to get very far.  Oh well, I will only be in touch with her for about 5 more years.
Then I won't be forced to put up with her internal ugliness.

Things I Want to Do with My Life

Be an engineer
Paint
Swim
Run
Triathalons
Build my own house
Own a Smart Car
Get a tubal ligation
Protest against Pro-Life rallies
Promote adoption
Travel the world
Learn multiple languages
ADOPT DOGS!!!
Quit a job to protest special treatment for breeders
Teach a community education class
Promote atheism awareness
Visit Antarctica
Get a Conceal and Carry permit
Ride my bike to work
Live Straight Edge
Patent a medicine
Get my doctorate
Go to Berkeley, Caltech or Stanford for grad school

My Escape Plan

I'm going to transfer to a school that is further away (University of Michigan) after my sophomore year.  When I graduate from there, I'm going to go to graduate school in California.  Either Stanford, Berkeley, or Caltech.  Sometime there I'm going to cut off contact with my family.

WTF Dad?

My dad screamed at me today.  My little sister was showing my parents her geography test, which she aced.  After they were done fawning on her, I proudly announced that I got a C on my Calculus III final.  Now I am happy with a C in Calculus III.  I ended up getting a B in the entire course, and my final GPA was high enough to keep me in my school's Honors program.  So I was proud of myself.  My dad's reaction?  Quite different.  "That's too bad."  Now I've been going out of my way to think positively in order to help my mood problems.  So I am not very welcoming to people who belittle my accomplishments.  I tried to explain to him that Calculus III is a hard course, and a C is a perfectly good grade.  But he still maintained that it wasn't good by his standards.
What a fucking hypocrite.  He nearly flunked his second semester of college.  I couldn't keep my sweet, darling facade up much longer.  I asked him annoyedly, "Well have you ever BEEN to college?  It's not high school and a C is perfectly acceptable."  Yeah big mistake he started yelling at me.  "Don't give me that" I said, in the tone of an exasperated mother annoyed with a cheeky 6-year-old.  "No YOU don't give ME that.  I'm in MY OWN HOUSE."  (Now what the last part of his response had to do with anything is beyond me.)
But onto the point of this story.  I'm really happy that my mom and sisters were in the room.  They probably prevented a repeat episode of what originally made me therapy-bound in the first place.
Over Christmas break my dad shoved me into a wall and restrained my face and head.  He's pushed me around before, but this time, it really bothered me for some reason.  Much to my demise, I showed my weakness by crying.  I couldn't help it.  I really wish I had better control over my crying.

Weight Insecurities

For as long as I can remember, I've pretty much been underweight, or borderline underweight.  This has changed only recently.  (Thank god for freshman 15!  Or in my case freshman 10)  For example, in my freshman year of high school I was 5'5" and weighed 95 lbs.  Sophomore year, I was 5'6" and weighed 105.  Junior year, I was 5'7" and weighed 110.  Same for senior year.  Finally the summer before college I reached my goal of weighing a stable 115.  My weight fluctuated like no other, like 10 lbs at a time, and it was hard to get a stable weight.  Now after college I am a healthy 125 lbs (and still 5'7").
What really annoys me is when people comment on my weight.  I'm a female.  Haven't people been told not to comment on a girl's body size or weight?  I mean, in high school it was bad enough, but COLLEGE?!  Sometimes, people will just come up to me and comment on how skinny I am.  Is this an insult or a conversation starter?  Once someone called me "skinny as hell" right in front of me.  What the hell, I can HEAR you.
Do people assume that I'm flattered by these comments?  I'm not anorexic, I'm not using these comments to fuel my skinniness.  I'm just...little.  And I'm trying to be healthy.  So what business is it to anyone?  Do people think they're making a difference to me by telling me this?  No, actually I'm just lumping them in with the other crude assholes that comment on my weight.  Just because someone calls my arms scrawny doesn't mean I'm going to change my picky tastes in food.  They're really not making a difference.  I've heard it before.

The advantages of being skinny: infertility (I hate kids)
The disadvantages of being skinny: America is an obesity-centered culture.  Everything is revolved around people being too fat, and not acknowledging that health needs differ among different people.

Even Spanish models are being fattened up.  When they passed the regulation that models have to have a BMI over 18, I was too skinny to model in Spain.
Why is it that when clothes advertisements claim to cater to "every body type" they only make clothes for overweight people?

Do people treat overweight people the same way they treat underweight people?  I have never once heard a conversation start with "Oh my god you're so FAT!"  but many people have tried to start a conversation with me by saying "Oh my god you're so SKINNY!"  What's the difference? You're pointing out a flaw in someone else's body.  Does it really make a difference which flaw you're pointing out?

And for the record I am not, will not, and have never been (willingly) anorexic.
I have, however, stopped eating due to depression, not because I see myself as fat.

Intro

So my counselor back at school wanted me to keep a journal about my depression.  There is no way that I am actually going to keep a physical journal of incriminating evidence in my house, so I figure this is the next best thing.
I'm a 19 year old college student.  I'm majoring in chemical engineering and Spanish, but am having some issues regarding changing my major (to biomedical engineering) and transferring to a different college.  It's the summer after my first year and would like to transfer after my second year.
I've had some type of cyclic depression since I was about 12.  I've never gotten any treatment until now, at 19.  Why am I so stupid you ask?  It's because my parents didn't want to put me into counseling for whatever reason, despite my blatantly telling them that I cut (no blood) my arms and that I want to die.  Apparently that's "just a phase".  You would think that them not being able to handle my intense bouts of crying would clue them in that something's wrong, but I guess not.  Maybe there's such a strong stigma that comes with having a child in therapy.  Maybe they didn't want to be considered bad parents.  But now that I'm in therapy and have realized how I should've gotten help sooner, I realize that, in my eyes, they are bad parents.  And they have been the trigger of my most current episode of depression.