Misery

Right now is just one of the worst times in my life. I just feel so miserable. I don't want to be alive, I hate my life. My family hates me. My best friend is making things more complicated with the guy I'm dating. In fact, one wrong move and I will lose my best friend and (almost) boyfriend. (My best friend and almost-boyfriend are close, too) I'm just so mad at myself. I'm making such a mistake. Why would I go out with someone so close to my friends? If I lose him I may lose them too. Then I would have no friends, no significant other and no family. I want to kill myself so badly I don't know what to do.

What is Happiness?

I don't know. Is happiness innocence? I don't really remember being happy. Maybe I was happy as a child, before sixth grade, when my first depression hit. Ever since, I've just never fully recovered. I just never feel happy, I mean I just know that I'm going to relapse again. Mostly family drama is what gets me down. I mean, when I work 40-hour weeks, working closing, I feel a lot more stable. When I'm away at college and don't have to speak to my parents every week, I feel stable as well. Maybe happiness is removal of all stressors from one's life. In that case, maybe I need to purge my family from my life. They don't help me at all, emotionally. I feel like they keep me from being happy with my accomplishments and my decisions. I don't know.

Cutting

Occasionally, I cut. I cut when situations get so bad I start crying uncontrollably. I use a nail cleaner, those little hooks that swing out from nail clippers, to get my high. It works super well because it's sharp enough to break skin and inflict pain, but it's blunt enough to only break the top layer of skin, not drawing blood. I get the best feeling from cutting. I get instant calm. I stop crying and start breathing normally. Apparently cutting releases endorphins. I know, a lot of other things release endorphins too, but this is instant. Cut for a few seconds, feel relief as soon as the metal leaves your skin. Cutting has always been a fairly positive thing in my experience. I don't cut deep, so there's really no medical harm involved. Before cutting I'm an uncontrollable, weeping mess. After cutting, I'm calm and my mind is cleared. There's really nothing like it. I don't see why it has to be such taboo.

Stupid Girl Drama

So I just found out that one of my former best friends has been trash talking me behind my back. I'm really not that surprised. She's been acting distant from me since my senior year of high school. She got some new and improved friends from another school that quickly became my rivals. Now they're all into drinking and weed. She's just changed so much. She's gone emo and is cutting herself. I feel patronized when she shows me her cuts, because she has no reason to cut, she doesn't realize the emotional pain that cutting heals. She goes to college with one of my friends. My friend told me that this former friend of mine has said nothing but trash about me. The reason that she hates me is because of my "morals", as she puts it. I'm pro choice. Now I don't rub my views in other people's faces. Being an atheist, you learn tolerance REAL quickly. But she seems to take the slightest mention of pro choice personally. And she is trying to turn my friend against me. My friend was adopted, and for some reason should hate me because of my views on abortion. I understand a little, but if there's anything I support, it's ADOPTION!

My Damn Sister Again Again

I just saw my sister's video project today.  It was a waste of five minutes of my life.  Fucking lame and not funny at all.  I don't see why she thought for one second that I would find it funny.

How I'm Feeling Right Now

I just feel broken for some reason.  Unacceptable.  I just don't feel like I have a place in this world.  I don't know what to do.  My parents hate me, my sisters hate me.  Normally I don't care so much about my family's opinion of me, but it's just that I'm home all summer and that's all I'm really being exposed to.  
I feel like I'm slipping deeper into depression.  This is one of the unhappiest summers I've ever experienced.  

Child Free Me!!!

I will never have a child.  Ever.  If a guy tries to sway me otherwise, he is trying to doom me to unhappiness and confinement.  I'm 19, a legal adult.  I have not wanted children since I was 15.  (I did, however, have a small stint where I agreed to have a kid.  End story, guy wasn't worth it and I am BEYOND HAPPY to be free from such an agreement.)  My complaint is tubal ligation doctors.  I have done reading on the subject of tubal ligation, and the general concensus that I find is that these doctors have no faith in women.  They think that women will find their beloved biological clock, want to reverse their tubal, and sue if they can't get pregnant again.  While I'm sure that happens sometimes, I don't think it happens enough for doctors to prohibit women under the age of 30 from getting tubals.  While I think I need a little more time before I get my tubal, I don't want to be turned down because of the fact that I'm 22 (when I'm planning to get snipped).  I think that it should be easier for women under 30 to get tubals.  These ladies are mature.  I'm sure many have held on to the childfree lifestyle for years.  Many have supportive husbands/boyfriends.  It seems like doctors will be more likely to operate on women who have had children.  I don't think that how many children a woman has should play a part in the process of obtaining a tubal.

By the way, women who have gotten a tubal and decide they want a child should adopt.  It's so much better for the environment.  The world is already overpopulated.  Why would you bring in yet another sprog into the world for the sheer purpose of genetics?  Why does the damn kid have to look like you?  That's just so selfish to me.

My Damn Sister Again

My sister is a controlling, cold bitch.  I was playing video games in the den and she was on the computer in the office.  She was shrieking laughing, and of course I asked her what was so funny.  She hid what she was doing and wouldn't let me see.  So I go back to my video game.  She later yells at me to come see what she was working on.  I was, of course, deep in the middle of a fun game and wanted to finish this level.  She comes into the den and fumes, "You would rather play Wii than watch my video?!  I can't believe you!"  She continues to guilt trip me, a tactic inherited by my Catholic mother.  As an atheist, I am immune to this Catholic debauchery.  :).  But my sister had to go and be a bitch by removing the disc from the Wii console.  WTF.  I was in the MIDDLE of that, jerk.  Seriously.  She shooed me away from her project before, why should I take interest in it again?  And why should I drop everything I'm doing to watch her (most likely) worthless video?  She thinks she's just the center of the universe.  What a fucking bitch.

Exciting

COUNSELING TOMORROW!!!  :)

I always feel better after counseling!

My Middle Sister

My middle sister can be such a bitch sometimes.  Scratch that, ALL the time.  She's 15, just completed freshman year of high school.  She's just so smug and self-centered.  Also, she's been indoctrinated by my dad, so she's a flaming conservative.  I suppose it doesn't help much that she goes to a religious school.  My sister is also materialistic.  She loves shopping and blowing my parents' money.  She loves brand names and keeps up with all the latest styles.  I hate shallow people like that.
Smugness is such an ugly trait.  Everybody is wrong sometimes.  I hate the bitches that can't admit it.
I swear, that kid is not going to get very far.  Oh well, I will only be in touch with her for about 5 more years.
Then I won't be forced to put up with her internal ugliness.

Things I Want to Do with My Life

Be an engineer
Paint
Swim
Run
Triathalons
Build my own house
Own a Smart Car
Get a tubal ligation
Protest against Pro-Life rallies
Promote adoption
Travel the world
Learn multiple languages
ADOPT DOGS!!!
Quit a job to protest special treatment for breeders
Teach a community education class
Promote atheism awareness
Visit Antarctica
Get a Conceal and Carry permit
Ride my bike to work
Live Straight Edge
Patent a medicine
Get my doctorate
Go to Berkeley, Caltech or Stanford for grad school